Proximity Revision Discussion

Write a 250 word(more is OK) paragraph that details the revisions you plan to make to your rough draft. In your paragraph, feel free to elaborate on the peer feedback process and how that helped you think about revising the draft. It could be that the feedback pointed out important concerns or that you observed something in your peers’ drafts that gave you some ideas for revision.Feedback1 :in intro, maybe define proximitythe professor was saying how the audience technically should not know what it means thus we need to make sure we define it .there are open quotes at the end of the introits a little confusing when you just start summarizing an article that the audience has no significance to. change the format of your essay so everything is more connected.introduce proximity and articleconnect them both and emphasize the importance of the facetFEEDback2 :The overview within the introduction is effective as you give background information on the topic, you are going to be writing about. The purpose of your paper is very straight forward and understandable. However, when you go down to the Summary of Articles, you should distinguish the difference between the two types of sources. For example, letting the audience which article you used is the popular source and letting them know which article is the academic source. Rather than having them to have to find out on their own, in my opinion, it makes it easier for the audience. In the body paragraphs, you could use more analysis, being more specific and descriptive about how the facets help the audience get a better grasp of the paper. You should synthesize the facets with the two types of the article so the audience is able to see the connection between the two and the difference of the facets. Could also emphasize the importance of the facets because the audience has no idea what each of the facets are and what they do. By giving the importance of facets, the audience is able to takeaway the meaning of the facets and they could incorporate it into their own writing if they choose to. So giving the importance of each of the facet allows them to be able to do this. I like the how you have headings within your paper because it allows the audience to have a description of what you are going to be writing about next and what they could expect. The structure is very organized to let the audience to know where each facet is being talked about. This way the audience is able to go back to the specific parts of the paper to reread about the facets.